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God is Missing
A
couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents could be assured
that if any mischief occurred in their town their two
young sons were in some
way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to
what to do about their
sons' behavior.
The
mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in
disciplining children in the past, so she asked her
husband if he thought they
should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The
husband said, "We might as well. We need to do
something before I really
lose my temper!"
The
clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to
see them
individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him
first.
The
clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated
the question in
an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again
the boy made no attempt to
answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more
and shook his finger
in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At
that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly
home slamming himself
in his closet. His older brother followed him into the
closet and said, "What
happened?" The younger brother replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time.
God is missing and they think we did it!"
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GIFTS
FOR MOM
Three
sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to
give their elderly
mother.
The
first said, "I built a big house for our
mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a
driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both
beat. Remember how mom
enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see
very well. I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It
took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just
has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon
thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks.”
Milton," she wrote
one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live
in only one room, but I have
to clean the whole house."
"Gerald,"
she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!"
"Dearest
Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you
have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was
delicious."
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Golf
With Stevie and Tiger
Stevie
Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to
Wonder
and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie
Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the
golf?"
Woods
replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing,but I think
I've got that right now."
Stevie
Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing
goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play,
it seems to be all right.
Tiger
Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie
Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for
years."
Woods
says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf
if you're blind?"
Wonder
replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle
of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and
play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy
moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."
"But,
how do you putt?” asks Woods.
"Well,"
says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in
front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."
Woods
asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie
says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods,
incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a
round sometime."
Wonder
replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously,
so I only play for money, and
never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods
thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that,
when would you like to
play?"
Stevie
says, "Pick a night."
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Insurance
Airman
Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he
advised new
recruits about their government benefits, especially
their GI insurance.
It
wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones was having a
staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to
nearly 100% of the
recruits he advised.
Rather
than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of
the room and
listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones
explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new
recruits, and then said,
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and
are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you
don't have GI insurance, and
you go into battle and get killed, the government only
has to pay a maximum
of $6000."
"Now,"
he concluded, "which group do you think they are
going to send into
battle first?"
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The Elephant
The
San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It
seems that Calle
has a chronic illness which requires daily medication.
The zoo people couldn't
get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist
developed a
suppository for her.
The
10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are
crafted by the good
folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame,
California. Administering the
DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one
person to distract
Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm
glove.
DO
YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?
It
means that five people have jobs worse than yours!
Now
stop complaining and get back to work.
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Being Noisy In Church
My wife was reprimanding our three-year old for being noisy in church.
She
said, "Jianna, why should you be quiet in
church?"
Jianna said, "Because daddy's sleeping."
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Out
For A Drive
Two
elderly women were out driving in a large car--both
could barely see over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection.
The
stoplight was red but they just went on through. The
woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it, I could have sworn we
just went through a red light".
After
a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light
was red
again, and
again they went right through.
This
time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.
At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and they
went right through, and she turned to the other woman
and said, "Mildred! Did
you know we just ran through three red lights in a
row! You could have killed
us!"
Mildred
turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
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Southern Survival Guide
1.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be
instructed later how to use it.
2.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not
mean we can. Stay home
the two days of the year it snows.
3.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in the cab of a
four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't
try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.
4.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
the same store.
5.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All
y'all" is plural."All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here,
are you?"
7.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
They don't understand you
either.
8.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the
inside of their car's windshield
that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9.
If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a
55mph zone, directly in the
middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
drive on a model of vehicle
known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and
lane position for the vehicle.
10.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all,
watch this!" Stay out of his way.
These are likely the last words he will ever say.
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Thee
Bride In White
Attending
a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is
the bride dressed in white?"
"Because
white is the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life."
The
child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing
black?"
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A
Lady and God
A
woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day,
she had a heart
attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While
on the operating table,
she had a near-death experience.
She
saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God
said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to
live."
Upon
her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and
have collagen
shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and
breast augmentation. She
even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she
had another 30 to 40
years, she might as well make the most of it.
She
walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last
operation and was killed by
an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She
arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you
said I had another 30 to
40 years!"
God
replied, "Shirley? I didn't recognize you!"
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Boy
and the Bible
A
little boy opened the big old family Bible and with
fascination, he looked at the old
pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of
the Bible and he picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a
tree that had been pressed in
between the pages.
"Momma,
look what I found," the boy called out.
"What
have you got there?" his mother asked.
With
astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:
"It's Adam's suit!"
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The Golfer and the funeral
A
golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of
golf for $200.
At
the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten-foot putt to
win the round, and the
$200.
As
he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession
started to pass by.
The
golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed
it over his chest and waited
for the funeral procession to pass.
After
it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to
lining up his putt, and
completed it, thus winning the game and the money.
Afterwards,
one of his buddies said, "That was the most
touching thing I have ever
seen.
I
can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing
your concentration, to pay your
respects."
"Well,"
said the golfer, "we were married for 25
years."
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14 Ways To Know If You've Been in
Corporate America Too Long
1.
You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core
competencies are.
2.
You decide to re-org your family into a
"team-based organization."
3.
You refer to dating as test marketing.
4.
You can spell "paradigm."
5.
You actually know what a paradigm is.
6.
You understand your airline's fare structure.
7.
You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8.
Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9.
You think that it's actually efficient to write a
ten-page presentation with six
other people you don't know.
10.
You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a
performance review.
11.
You believe you never have any problems in your life,
just "issues" and
"improvement opportunities."
12.
You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to
think of yourself as
"highly leveraged" as opposed to "in
debt."
13.
You end every argument by saying "let's talk
about this off-line."
14.
You give constructive feedback to your dog.
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Best excuses if you get caught sleeping
at your desk
1.
"They told me at the blood bank this might
happen."
2.
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they
raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to."
3.
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid
paper"
4.
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the
mission statement and envisioning a
new paradigm!"
5.
"This is one of the seven habits of highly
effective people!"
6.
"I was testing the keyboard for drool
resistance"
7.
Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination
Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at
the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
8.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Are
you discriminatory towards people who practice
Yoga?"
9.
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
10.
"The coffee machine is broken...."
11.
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong
pot."
12.
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just
won't wear off!"
13.
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian
rhythms of the workaholic!"
14.
"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact
lens without hands."
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The Big Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a
lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand
the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses
and
a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice
" I'd like to try the bet"
After
the laughter had died down, the bartender said
OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of
the rind to the little
man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the
glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little
man "what do you do for a living? Are you a
lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or
what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
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The
Three Buddies
Three
buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an
orientation. They
are all asked, "When you are in your casket and
friends and family are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them
say about you?
The
first guy says, "I would like to hear them say
that I was a great doctor of
my time, and a great family man."
The
second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was
a wonderful husband
and school teacher which made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The
last guy replies, "I would like to hear them
say......LOOK, HE'S
MOVING!!!!!"
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Being Tactful
The
author John Steinbeck best described tactfulness in a
story about two men
discussing the town of Green Bay, Wisconsin. The first
man said, "Its a real nice
place." The other man said, "What’s nice
about it? The only things ever to come
out of Green Bay are football players and ugly
girls."
The
first man got angry. He said, "Wait a minute - my
wife is from Green Bay!"
The
other man said, "Oh? What position does she
play?"
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Don't Overlook The Obvious
A
customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man
coming across one
day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the
handlebars. He naturally
got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but
when he did he found
nothing but sand.
This
went on every day for the nest month. Each time he'd
stop the bicycle
and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand.
Much
later, he ran into the biker in a bar in Tijuana.
After some small talk he
said, "Come on. I know you were smuggling
something all that time. I won't
tell. I'm just curious. What was it?"
The
other man said, "Bicycles."
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You Get What You Pay For
A lady wanted to board her horse. The first farmer she asked said he
would
keep it at $25 a day, plus he would keep the manure.
She thought that was too high and went to another farmer. His price
was
$20 per day plus the manure.
Then she went to a third farmer who asked just $5 a day.
The lady said, "Why didn't you ask for the manure, too?"
The farmer said, "At $5 a day, there won't be any!"
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For
those of us that ever felt dumb when it comes to
computers
Actual
tech support questions:
The
tech asked her if she was "running it under
Windows." The woman then
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But
that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."
*************************************************************
Tech
Support: "How much free space do you have on your
hard drive?"
Customer:
"Well, my wife likes to get up there on that
Internet, and she downloaded
ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
*************************************************************
Tech
Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen.
Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer:
"I don't have a 'P'."
Tech
Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer:
"What do you mean?"
Tech
Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer:
"I'm not going to do that!"
**************************************************************
Overheard
in a computer shop:
Customer:
"I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson:
"Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer:
"But will they be compatible with my
computer?"
*************************************************************
I
once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax
the document back to the
sender when I was finished with it, because he needed
to keep it.
**************************************************************
Customer:
"Can you copy the Internet for me on this
diskette?"
**************************************************************
I
work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone
calls that go something like this:
Customer:
"Hi. Is this the Internet?"
*************************************************************
Some
people pay for their online services with checks made
payable to "The
Internet."
*************************************************************
Customer:
"So that'll get me connected to the Internet,
right?"
Tech
Support: "Yeah."
Customer:
"And that's the latest version of the Internet,
right?
Tech
Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
**************************************************************
Tech
Support: "All right...now double-click on the
File Manager Icon."
Customer:
"That's why I hate this Windows-because of the
icons- I'm a Protestant,
and I don't believe in icons."
Tech
Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir.
I don't believe it was meant
to-"
Customer:
"I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't
believe in icons."
Tech
Support: "Well...why don't you click on the
'little picture' of a file cabinet...is
'little picture' ok?"
Customer:
[click]
*************************************************************
Customer:
"My computer crashed!"
Tech
Support: "It crashed?"
Customer:
"Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech
Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to
reboot."
Customer:
"No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech
Support: "Huh?"
Customer:
"I crashed my game. That's what I said before.
Now it doesn't work."
(Turned
out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his
spaceship.)
Tech
Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer:
[pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do
that?"
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The
Old Man
One
day an old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench
crying. A policeman
noticed this and asked the old man why he was crying.
"Well,"
says the old fellow, "I just got married recently
to a twenty-five
year old
woman. Each morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast
and then we make
love. At noon time she makes me a wonderful lunch and
then we make love. At
dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then
we make love."
The
policeman looks at the old man and says, "You
shouldn't be crying! You
should be the happiest man in the world!"
So
the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I
don't remember where I live!"
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Dogs
"I
wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a
weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
"My
dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein
"Some
days you're the dog, some days you're the
hydrant."
-- Unknown
"Don't
accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are
wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
"Women
and cats will do as they please and men and dogs
should relax and get
used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein
"In
order to keep a true perspective of one's importance,
everyone should have a
dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him."
-- Dereke Bruce
"There
is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking
your face."
-- Ben Williams
"When
a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a
problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"Cat's
Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to
make it look like
the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"You
can't always tell what a dog's thinking by the look on
its face."
-- Michael Harrington
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The
Lawyer and the Car Wreck
A
lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car
came along and hit
the door, ripping it off completely. When the police
arrived at the scene, the
lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining
bitterly about the damage
to his precious BMW.
"Officer,
look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he
shrieked.
"You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me
sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're
so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even
notice that your left arm
was ripped off!!!"
"Oh
no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and
noticing for the first time the
bloody stump where his left arm had once been.
"Where's
my Rolex???"
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